Happy Sunday, all.  Hope you’re doing well.

There’s been a lot going on in my neck of the woods lately.

First, after 8 years, I’ve switched to a new web host company. It’s my first time manually transferring a site from one host to another, so there have been some growing pains.  I think I have the main portions of my site at least working again – it’ll just take some time to do the minor tweaking.  So there may be some changes in the works soon.

Second, there’s some exciting news in my personal life.  My boyfriend and I have decided to move in together sometime in June. We’ve been together for almost three years, and he amazingly hasn’t gotten sick of me yet. We have our eyes and hearts set on a townhouse that we toured a few weeks ago. We’re wait-listed, however, and just need to wait for one to open up.  It’s a pretty big step for me. I’ve never moved in with a boyfriend before.  I’m pretty excited, however.  Unfortunately, that means almost every weekend is taken up with going through storage boxes and doing a massive downsizing of personal property.  Learning how to merge homes is going to be interesting.

On the weight loss front, I’m not actively focusing on tracking, but have been trying to keep my snacking to a minimum. Luckily, it seems to be working at the moment. I’m still losing or maintaining. Which, considering all that’s going on in my life I’m satisfied with.  Down 36 pounds at this point!


March 20, 2016admin 1 Comment »
FILED UNDER :Life in General , Love , Weight Watchers / Weight Loss

Happy Valentine’s Day

Hi all,

Just popping in to wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day!  I’m currently doing laundry and am packing. My boyfriend and I are going on a short in-town hotel getaway from Sunday-Tuesday. Really looking forward to it.  And we’re seeing Deadpool on Monday! Can’t wait. We could both definitely use some R&R via a couple of quiet days complete with movies and board games and no responsibilities.

I’m still tracking what I eat. A few days have been kinda rough, but I’m down about 3 more pounds. Which I will probably re-gain on our trip. 🙂 I did try on a pair of pants and a skirt that I haven’t worn in several years and they fit again. So that’s exciting.

I’ve mostly been using the ProTracker app. So far, I like it a bit better than the Ultimate Food Value Diary.

Anyway, hope you all are well and have a happy holiday. Doing anything fun?


February 13, 2016admin 1 Comment »
FILED UNDER :Life in General , Weight Watchers / Weight Loss

Saying Goodbye to Weight Watchers Online

I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers online since 2006.  That’s when I buckled down on my lifetime struggle with my weight and ended up losing 164 pounds using their old Points system. This was even before their Points Plus program.  I loved their plan and it was so easy to stick to.  Their website was completely easy to use and had wonderful support on their many community message boards.  The tracker was even easier to use.

Unfortunately, my doctor at the time was trying me on a variety of meds that made me start to gain some of the weight back and I lost some of my motivation. Then Weight Watchers switched to the Points Plus program and I didn’t lose quite as well. When I stuck to it, however, it worked – just much more slowly.

I can’t even say that I’ve been half-assing it the last five years or so. More like one-tenth-assing it.  I gained back all but 25 pounds of the weight that I’d lost.

Thankfully, by doing things on my own and popping in to my WW account every once in a while, I’m back down 30 pounds of what I’d regained.  Unfortunately, now Weight Watchers has decided to switch their plan and website.

I personally hate the changes.  Their website is much harder to use and doesn’t have nearly the capabilities of the old site. You can’t even see your weight loss/gains in graph form any longer.  It took me 20 minutes just to find the message boards. It took me even longer to find the help files.  While it’s helpful to add products or foods to the database that WW themselves hadn’t added, their decision to make the foods people add available to other WWers has made the food database somewhat of a pain.  There can now be three or more entries for one product, all with different points values.

As for the new plan itself, I applaud the idea behind them trying to move people in the direction of eating healthier, less-processed foods.  However, the way they go about it makes it harder to follow and stick to.  I was making much better choices on the old plan than I did before joining, but knowing that I could account for the occasional rough day or meal out made it seem so much less like a “diet” and more like something I could stick to.  I could gradually transition into eating better foods at my own pace.  Now, they’re making the decisions for us.  Yes, I can still “treat” myself, but the points values of such items have gone up so much that it’s much harder to fit them into my lifestyle.  I feel deprived.  And honestly, when I feel like someone is telling me what to do, I rebel even harder.  Let us go back to deciding for ourselves.

I can accept that watching your sugar intake is pretty important when you’re trying to eat healthier, however, again, their method is lacking in trying to shove us toward cutting these things out of our diets.  Instead of encouraging the use of more natural sugars like honey, their plan pushes you towards sugar-free, fat-free products in order to not feel deprived.  These things are filled with chemicals and are not the least bit healthy.

And so, sadly, it’s time for me to say goodbye to Weight Watchers.  I cancelled my account today after almost ten years.  If at some point in the future they decide to listen to all of the members who have complained and cancelled and adjust their plan, I will re-evaluate.  They may one day win me back.  In the meantime, I’ll be using My Fitness Pal or one of a couple of applications that use varying points plans that others have recommended to me.  We’ll see how this goes. It may take me some time to figure out what works for me.

Have to say it will also be nice to be saving that additional $20 a month.

Anyone on the new plan and loving it?  I know there are quite a few of you out there that do.

Anyone else decide to jump ship?

February 3, 2016admin 7 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Weight Watchers / Weight Loss

Parallel Trilogy by Christine Kersey

I recently read a young adult series of books by Christine Kersey called the Parallel Trilogy.  While it’s a trilogy, there are two follow-up books to make a total of five books in the series.  The first book is called “Gone” and is free for the Amazon Kindle app at this moment.

In this series, a teenage girl runs away from home after a stupid fight with her mom.  Without giving away too many of the details, she ends up in a parallel version of earth in which it is illegal to be overweight.  Yep, you read that right.  It’s illegal to be overweight.  In this alternate world, every home has a scale and you must weigh in once a week. Each scale is connected to a government agency that tracks your weight, and to make sure that the right person is weighing in, the scale has a retinal scan.

If your weight continues to stay too high or you show an uncontrollable pattern of weight gain, then Enforcers can come to your house and take you away to a Federally Assisted Thinning (F.A.T.) Center.  Of course, the F.A.T. Centers aren’t anything like weight loss spas.

While the books have mixed reviews, and some rocky moments, I read all five of the books in the series and found them pretty interesting and slightly terrifying.

The author says this at the end of the book:

The USDA Regulation banning junk food from schools used in this story, as well as the weighing of children at school, is not ficticious.  Whether you agree with those regulations or not, they are a reality. Here are links to articles that talk about these new regulations.

Here are two articles about weighing children in schools:  esity-rates-muscular-people

Here’s an article about how the government wants to influence what you buy in the grocery store:

It’s the last two articles that the author listed that get to me the most.  I’m currently 38 years old. When I was a kid, my elementary school was apparently a testing ground for quarterly body measurement testing and reporting.  Not only did we have our weight measured, but also our bmi using skin caliper testing.  This was done in our gym class.  I can attest to the fact that instead of making kids healthier, all it did was give bullies additional ammunition against kids that were different and added further psychological pressure onto kids who were already struggling.  I was one of them and can attest to the fact that it just made me feel crappier about myself and contributed to life-long self-confidence issues.  All of our details were printed out on a piece of paper that we were instructed to take home to our parents.

So while the books may seem “out there”, with the current societal attitude towards obesity, it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

February 3, 2016admin No Comments »
FILED UNDER :Body Image , Books / Movies / Entertainment

Chronic Illness and Love

My last post in January was about my back issues.  Sadly, so is this one.  It’s still almost a daily struggle for me, unfortunately.  On the plus side, this is the first time that it’s gone out this badly in almost 7 months.  Every other time since, I’ve been able to push through.  This time I was off for over a week without pay. So that sucked. Ended up needing more injections, as well.  May need more next week. Possibly even an epidural.

As those of you also dealing with a chronic illness know, it can be pretty demoralizing.  The repeated doctors visits, the trying of one medication after another, they all wear you down.  Especially when there’s so little payoff.  I have to be so careful at times – and even then, I feel such lack of control, because my best behavior doesn’t always help.  I’ve missed out on so many opportunities and experiences because of it.  If not because of the pain or the risk of it going out, then because of the financial toll.  I’ve been trying harder lately to experience life to the fullest, but there’s still things I can’t do or have a hard time doing.

My parents, especially my mom, have been wonderful and have taken care of me so incredibly.  Helping me with shopping, helping me pick things up, driving me to appointments.  I could never express how thankful I am.  But honestly, without my boyfriend, I don’t know how I would have made it.  He has been so beyond incredibly supportive.  I try so so hard to be strong, but sometimes I just can’t keep it all bottled up.  Every time I’ve broken down and cried on him, he has never failed to immediately take me into his arms and tell me it is going to be okay.  He’s never failed to tell me he loves me and that he loves me just as I am.

It might be a product of my own self-esteem, which has honestly taken a beating from all of this, but I worry constantly about being too much of a downer or ending up being a burden.  His response has always been that I could never be a burden and that he’s happy with me and loves me.  In my darkest moments, I still worry that I don’t deserve him; that he might be better off with someone who doesn’t have these problems.  I don’t ever want him to miss out on something because of me.

I came to a realization the other day, however.  He’s never once given me any reason to doubt how much he loves me.  He’s never once given me any reason to believe that he’s tired of dealing with my issues or that he doesn’t accept me as I am.  This is what love is.  Love is being there for the person you love in good times and bad.  If (god forbid) it were him going through something like this, I wouldn’t hesitate to be by his side and support him in any way that I could.  I would stand by his side no matter what.  Because I love him. It’s as simple as that.

My work mom today reminded me that that’s what an adult relationship is.  Being there for each other.  We all have our issues.  If there was something that limited him being able to do something, I wouldn’t leave him to go find someone else who could.  So I just need to trust him and myself. Because wow.  How I love this man and his daughter.  And when I’m not down and beaten, I can admit that I’m not so bad myself.

I have hopes that this will eventually get under control again.  Maybe pure weight loss is the answer.  Maybe not. It won’t fix the arthritis and bulged discs and cyst, but it can only help. In the meantime, I’m just going to do what I can and accept the love and help that is offered.

November 10, 2015admin No Comments »
FILED UNDER :Health , Love

2015 Goals

Hi all! Yes, two posts from me within one month!

Things are still so-so for me. Struggling with my back some this week and yet another sinus infection. I think the hardest part of having to deal with my back issues is just the missing out on living. I have to be so careful as one wrong move can throw it out again. Sometimes, it’s just sitting wrong or bending wrong or standing wrong. And you never realize it was wrong until it’s too late.

I miss getting out and enjoying life. I miss going walking at the arboretum and going to museums and art galleries and socializing with friends as much as I used to. I hate missing out – both on the life experiences in general and the opportunities to connect with loved ones.

But I’m going to keep doing my physical therapy and keep trying to lose weight in the hopes that that will help some. I still had problems with my back at my lowest weight, but it wasn’t like this. Hopefully this hasn’t become just a chronic thing I have to live with forever.  At least on this scale.

While I don’t believe in resolutions, I do believe in goals.  Goals are good to have and to work for. They keep you moving and striving for something better.  I have several for this year:

  • Continue working on losing weight. I’ve slipped the past couple of weeks. But while I haven’t been tracking meticulously, I’ve tried to stay conscious of what I’ve eaten and haven’t been overdoing it too horribly.
  • Continue working on making my back as healthy as it can be with my walking and physical therapy exercises.
  • Try to keep to a minimum the times that my back keeps me from doing things, if at all possible. I need to still get out and experience life.  And I need to try harder to get time in with my friends, regardless of how my back is doing.
  • Continue focusing on building and renewing relationships with the people I care about. Spend more time with the people that make me feel good and less time with those who make me feel bad about myself.
  • Be as good of a girlfriend and partner to my boyfriend as I can be. I want him to know how much I love him and that he truly has someone on his side, someone’s got his back. I want him to know that he has someone he can lean on in good and bad times. Along with this, continue to nurture my relationship with his daughter. I want to be someone she can count on, as well.
  • And lastly, continue working on my finances and getting debt paid off. I have a plan, and have already implemented it, but it’s gotten sidelined the past couple of years by medical bills. So this year I signed up for an FSA to help recoup some of that money. My allergy shots alone will probably help me meet my deductible this year. I do need to look into other ways I can cut back.

It seems like a lot, but really, other than getting my debt paid off, they’re all long-term goals that aren’t rigid. They’re life-betterment processes.  Or that’s how I see them. Baby steps to make my life more enriched and fulfilled and to help bring focus on things that are important to me.

What are some of your goals for this year?

January 16, 2015admin 2 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Health , Life in General , Love , Weight Watchers / Weight Loss

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you!

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written on here. Very long indeed. I feel, however, that blogging is something I’d like to start again. I’m not promising daily posts, but I am promising an effort. I think my journaling form of blogging was good for me. As before, this blog won’t solely focus on weight loss. It’ll be whatever I feel I need or want to write about pertaining to my life.

2014 was a very rough year for me in most ways. I’ve struggled with a back issue for years, but it has been mostly manageable for the last decade.  This year, it decided to be extremely trying. I’ve had visits to the hospital several times because of it. The first time resulted in an extremely frustrating overnight stay. The second go-round involved the nurses not even asking me what my pain was on the 10 point scale. “That looks like a 10 to me.” It also resulted in me being out on short-term for over a month from work.  I’ve been through two rounds of physical therapy and multiple steroid trigger-point injections. I think these injections have helped the most.  I believe I was able to ward off more ER visits with a third round of injections in November. They want to go in and burn/kill some of my nerves in my lower back next time, but I’m going to avoid that if at all possible.

I have degenerative disc issues, bulged discs (plural), and arthritis in my back.

Right now, I’m stable-ish. I have to take a pain pill most evenings along with doing my physical therapy exercises as often as I can throughout the day. I can’t take the pain medicine during the day because it makes me too groggy.  On top of the back issues, the physical therapy has recently caused a second flare-up of tendinitis in my foot. Which, of course, makes it difficult to do my physical therapy exercises for my back. It’s a vicious cycle.

Factor in more than one sinus infection, beginning allergy injections, and a host of other fun things, it’s been a rough year health-wise.

On the plus side, I’m back on Weight Watchers and was down 21 pounds the last time I weighed in.  Unfortunately, that was before Christmas and my scale has finally died after 8 years of faithful service so I’m not entirely sure where I am right now. I know I’ve slipped a bit in my diligence, but I’ve stayed somewhat aware of what is going into my mouth. Once I get a new scale, I can check in as to where I am.

As with my blogging, I’m not promising perfection this time around. Last time I was on weight watchers, I was very much a hermit and rarely went out. That’s quite different this time around. I’m allowing myself to be more flexible and to have more fun. It’s going slower, but I think I’ll be happier in the long run.

On the happy side of things, November marked a year and a half with my boyfriend and his four year old daughter. They have brought quite a bit of laughter and joy to my life. He’s such a great dad and is a very caring, affectionate man. She is such a loving, imaginative little girl. I love them both very much.

More to come in my next post; I just wanted to get the ball rolling. I hope 2014 was a good year for you and that 2015 is one of your best yet.

If any of you who used to check in are still around, please feel free to drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear from you and find out how you’re doing. Same goes for those of you who might be stopping by for the first time.  Welcome!

January 1, 2015admin 6 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Health , Life in General , Love , Weight Watchers / Weight Loss

Board Games

My boyfriend’s favorite things are board games.  But, of course, he can’t love the simple party games that I do.  Oh no.  While I’ve always enjoyed the traditional ones like Scrabble and Clue, the card games like Phase 10 and our family favorite Oh Hell, and the party games like Apples to Apples, he likes the games that intimidated the hell out of me and torture my fear of making a fool out of myself. 🙂

But I got brave and have let him teach me a few.  I have to admit that the ones he’s taught me so far – while they seemed incredibly complicated to start – ended up being a bunch of fun.  And a lot ended up being not nearly as complicated as they looked.  Though I’ll admit there are a few I love more than the others.

So far, he’s introduced me to Dominion, Takenoko, Lords of Waterdeep, Flash Point, Unspeakable Words, Euphoria, Legendary (a superhero game), and Galaxy Trucker.  Another two he told me about at the beginning are Carcassonne and Settlers of Catan, but I’ve only played those on my iPad.  I think that’s all of them.

Here’s a little bit more info about each.  I’ve tried to include lots of links for you to find more info if something sounds interesting. I’m sure my guy will let me know if I get anything wrong, but this isn’t meant to be a thorough description of each.  Just a bit about them, along with my experience as a newbie. 🙂

  • Dominion was the first game he taught me and is probably my favorite of all of them.  It’s a deck building game – which I thought I would hate.  Turns out, I love it.  If you’re not familiar with what a deck building game is, click here for a quick summary.  The goal of Dominion is to build up your own personal deck of cards by using the cards in your hand to purchase better cards.  Some cards act as money while other cards have actions on them (such as draw two cards or make your opponent reveal the top card of their deck, etc.). When you’ve built your deck up enough, then you’re able to purchase victory points.  The person with the most victory points at the end of the game wins.  With all of the expansion packs that are available, there is pretty much an infinite combination of available card sets you can play with.  Luckily, you only play with about 10 different cards at a time (other than the money).  Learning how the cards play off of each other can be tricky, but can also be a fun challenge, and every game is a new experience so it never gets old.
    • Here is a great review with a lot more detailed information.
    • There’s also a site where you can play Dominion online for free – either against computer bots or other players. You can find it here.  He and I have even played each other online a few nights when we’ve both been at our own homes.  We played online last night and I beat him on the first hand.  He won on the last two, I believe, securely kicking my ass by 50 points on the last game.  In my defense, it was a much more complicated hand and I was way out of my league. 🙂
    • I apparently didn’t take any pics while playing this game (though I thought I had), so here is one I found online that shows a representative sample of cards.

  • Takenoko is a cute little game that I call Hungry Panda.  Mostly because it’s an accurate description of the game and partially because I’m just silly like that.  I really enjoyed this one. Even though he kicked my butt on it. Now that I think about it, I think Dominion is the only game I’ve ever beaten him in.  Anyway, in Hungry Panda, you have been given the task of caring for the panda as well as growing a beautiful garden.  So you must irrigate land, grow bamboo, and feed the panda all by performing missions on cards that will give you points.  At the end of the game, the person with the most points wins.
    • Here is Wil Wheaton’s Tabletop episode on Takenoko.  It’s pretty entertaining as are most of his game episodes.  It’s also just fun hearing three guys talking about a cute little panda.
    • A couple of photos I took while playing (click on any image for larger versions):

takenoko  takenoko 2

  • Lords of Waterdeep is a strategy worker placement game in which you play one of the Lords of Waterdeep.  If you aren’t familiar with what a worker placement game is, here is more information.  Over the course of the game, you will recruit adventurers to go on quests on your behalf to grow the city and collect points.  It has a Dungeons and Dragons connection that I don’t really understand since I know next to nothing about Dungeons and Dragons.  I really liked this one and look forward to giving it another try.
    • Here is the Tabletop episode about Lords of Waterdeep.
    • And here is a really crappy-angled, blurry photo that I took while playing. 🙂 Please forgive me. I wasn’t planning on doing this post when he started teaching me these games. 🙂

lords of waterdeep

  • In Flash Point: Fire Rescue, you have to work together to put out fires in various building floor plans.  You have to both save the victims who are trapped inside and also try and keep the building from falling down as the fires and explosions spread.  It’s a cooperative game, so you win together or lose together.  That was a new experience for me. I don’t think this will be one of my favorite games – just personal preference – but it was fun.  I would like to give it another try.
    • No Tabletop episode for this one, but here’s a photo I took while playing:

flash point

  • If you like Scrabble and playing with cards and dice, you’ll probably like Unspeakable Words.  It has a Cthulhu theme, which I again know absolutely nothing about, so it isn’t remotely important in enjoying the game.  In the game, you want to try to get the most points and also try to remain sane. For those of us who start off slightly insane, we’re kind of in trouble.  Just kidding. 🙂  You will draw a hand of cards and try and make a word out of the letters on them.  A card’s value is equal to the number of angles the letter has (for example, an E is worth 4 points).  Once you make a word, you count up the total value of the word and roll your dice.  If the amount on the dice is more than the value of your word, you don’t lose any sanity (which is represented by the little Cthulhu-shaped creatures). As I love Scrabble and also love super-easy-to-get games, I really liked this one.
    • Here is the Tabletop episode.
    • And here is a picture I didn’t take. 🙂


  • Euphoria: Build a Better Dystopia is a fun worker placement game where you have to keep your workers happy but stupid.  If they get too smart, then they know what crappy working conditions they have and will run away. 🙂 Your workers are dice that you roll and place on the board to gain commodities and resources, build markets, and take control of different areas.
    • A pic I took while we were playing:



  • Legendary is another deck building game, but you work together in order to beat the villains by buying and using superhero cards (everything from the Avengers to the X-Men and beyond).  I didn’t enjoy this one quite as much as Dominion, but it was fun.  I’ve learned that cooperative games aren’t my favorite.  While it’s fun to not be fighting against each other and to be working together, I hate having others depend on the choices I make or judge the choices I make.  I want people to be happy when I make stupid mistakes, not upset when I do. 🙂  Of course, playing only with my boyfriend so far, I haven’t run into this…but it’s bound to happen.


  • The one he taught me on New Year’s Day is called Galaxy Trucker.  This was both a fun and frustrating game.  It also has a timed component which I do not handle well – too much stress/pressure.  Timed games usually make my brain freeze.  Luckily, it’s only the first portion of each round that is timed.  In the game, you spend the first part of each round (there are usually three) building a spaceship out of tiles.  You have to make sure that they are connected correctly (a two-pronged connection must attach to a two-pronged connection, etc.).  Your ship gets a bit bigger each round and you want to get yours done before your opponents get theirs done.  Then you spend the rest of the round going on missions and earning credits and getting the crap beat out of your spaceship.  Pretty much, according to the rules, if you have even a tiny bit of your ship left and at least one credit at the end of the third round, then you’ve won. In essence, everyone can win (just one person a little more than the others).  Overall, it was fun. 
    • Rounds 1, 2, and 3 below:




I’ll skip over Carcassonne and Settlers of Catan since I haven’t actually played the board game versions yet, but you can catch the Tabletop episode of Carcassonne here and the episode for Settlers of Catan here.  I prefer Carcassonne of the two, and look forward to giving it a try in the tabletop version.

I definitely need to get better pictures for some of these games and my boyfriend says he has quite a few more games for me to try.  I see many happy gaming hours in my future.

Do you have a favorite board game?  Please share!

January 3, 2014admin No Comments »
FILED UNDER :Books / Movies / Entertainment , Life in General

Happy New Year & Facing the Music

Hello, my long lost friends.  Okay, we all know that it’s me that has been long lost, but here I am on this first day of 2014 to wish you all a happy new year.  Well, all of you that might still be around and I do hope some of you are.

2013 was an interesting year for me.  There was quite a bit of heartbreak at times, some health issues (including more than one bout of bronchitis), and a whole buttload of happiness.

First, I’ll face the music and get the weight thing out of the way as this site, while more of a general blog, has had a big weight loss focus throughout the years.  My weight is up.  Way up.

This was me at pretty close to my lowest weight.  Look how freaking skinny I was!  Please ignore the crazy Obama advertising.  I had just left his rally before he was elected the first time.  I refuse to turn this into a political discussion as to my current opinion of him. 🙂

And, sadly, this is me now (taken on Christmas day):

up blog

As you can see, most of the weight I’d lost has crept back on. Am I disappointed in myself? Horribly, sometimes.  Have I cried about it?  Oh yes.  More than once.  Have I been ashamed?  You better believe it.  Have I tried to get back on track? Lord, yes.  There were so many factors that went into me gaining the weight back. None of them are going to be a quick and easy fix.  I still blame the meds I was put on a few years ago for starting the downward (upward?) slide.

I haven’t given up hope.  I haven’t totally given up faith in myself.  There have been a few moments where I thought I did, but I’m still here.  I’m still alive.  And as long as I am, I have hope.

But you know what?  While what you see in this photo is a very very large woman, what you don’t actually see is that she is still loved.  Even by me sometimes.  Even at this tremendous weight.  Even looking like this.  I’m not some creature to be hidden and ridiculed. In this photo, I’m surrounded by loved ones.  My parents and extended family (grandma, aunt, cousins, baby cousins, etc.) are all in the room sharing Christmas day with me.  They gave me hugs and reminisced with me and laughed with me.  What you don’t see in this picture (except for a tiny little bit) is that pressed against my side with his hand against my back is my boyfriend of seven months who I truly love and who tells me daily (sometimes more than once) that he loves me.

For most of my life I often cried about and truly, deep down, believed that I could never possibly be loved.  Mostly because of my weight, but also just because of who I was.  I didn’t think I deserved it.  I didn’t think I was special enough or pretty enough.  Sometimes I still question it and wonder what he sees in me (as well as the other guys I’ve dated in the last few years), but for whatever reason, I am loved.  Even at this weight.  Even looking like this.  It’s taken a lot for my mind to wrap around it.

I’ve been very, very fortunate to have dated some wonderful men in the last couple of years who have helped build up my confidence and who have helped me become more comfortable in my skin.  Oh, I know that this should ideally come from within and I don’t need a man to validate myself.  However, for someone who was terrified to even show off her upper arms (I still am), there’s something about having someone see them and touch them and kiss them to help you realize that you aren’t a horribly disgusting monster.  Which is what I assumed for so many years that I was.  I didn’t think anyone could ever love me, and have been shown how wrong I was.  So if any of you still doubt you can find love, I hope you find some hope in my story.

I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in the last couple of years.  As I said, even though I’m so heavy again, I have a certain confidence and self-respect that I didn’t have when I was that skinny Obama-supporting girl pictured above.  I finally feel like a woman who is fighting to appreciate every bit of this wonderful (and sometimes torturous) life.

I’m going into the year 2014 with a new attitude and a new hope.  Yes, I hope to drop my weight over the course of the next year.  Do I want to get back down to the size I was above (I was about a 12/14 top and a 10 bottom)? I wouldn’t mind it – though not that quickly.  But if I’m never that skinny again, I’m okay with that.  I just want to be as healthy as I can be and not be hindered from things I want to do because of my weight.

I’m also going into the new year with a strong plan for getting my finances back on track.  I’m still trying to pay off a lot of stupidity from college and the years after when I was hardly making anything salary-wise.  I’ve already made some headway in this regard and have things set up to continue this.  I want to be able to have a secure future.  Pretty proud of what I’ve accomplished so far.

I’ve already started my decluttering project.  I have too much shit.  Seriously.  I have so much crap I don’t need that is just taking up space and making me claustrophobic.

I want to write on here more often.

I want to continue to have as many new and exciting experiences as I possibly can.  I want to appreciate every moment given to me this year (even if I don’t appreciate it at that moment).  I want to love and be there for my family and friends.  I want to continue to get to know my wonderful boyfriend and his beautiful little girl and cherish every second I have with them.

I have no resolutions, but a lot of hopes for this year.  Let’s make some memories, shall we?

January 2, 2014admin 6 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Body Image , Life in General

Ongoing Challenges

I haven’t written anything on here since January.  That’s kind of pathetic.  I hope you all are doing well.

My life has been pretty crazy the past few months.  Lots of upheaval with work and in my personal life.

And my weight is pissing me off.  Yet I can’t seem to come up with the energy or drive to do anything about it.  But it’s reaching the point where it’s keeping me from doing things that I really want to do.  Like go see Matchbox Twenty tomorrow night.  I hate having to worry again about how squishy the seats are going to be.  It makes me sad and puts even more stress and anxiety on myself.

But I’m still in the area of trying to figure out how to balance eating more natural and healthy with losing weight the way I need to.  For several months I ate almost nothing but organic, natural foods, but I have major problems with portion control and being hungry all the time, so my weight just kept creeping up.  And when you combine that with higher fat foods (instead of the processed low fat, low calorie, etc. crap I was eating on my Weight Watchers journey before) that’s a recipe for disaster in the weight department.  And I’m sorry, but I just can’t survive on a diet of veggies alone.  However, after going so long with eating the more natural foods, I have a really hard time seeing the ingredients in the things I used to eat and still purchasing them.  Just can’t do it.

So I’ve put blinders on and have been eating out a lot where I can’t see the ingredients and have been living in la-la land. Haha  But I really need to start making an effort again and start cooking more often.

In my personal life, I’m not seeing the guy that I was seeing when I wrote on here last.  He’s an amazing guy and was very good to me,  but things just didn’t work out for us.  I’m very glad that we’re still friends, though.  I am seeing someone else now, though, and have been for about the last two months.  He’s a great guy and we have a lot in common.  Even went to the same elementary school and high school though he’s several years older than I am.  We’ve been spending a lot of time together and I’m going to get to meet his daughter and his parents this weekend.

It seems I’m going to see a live production of Rocky Horror tomorrow night.  That should be interesting.  And my mom is currently in the hospital after having knee replacement surgery on Tuesday.  This is her second time as she had the other knee done a few years ago.  She seems to be doing well, though, and should hopefully get to come home tomorrow.

Well, that’s it for me.  Take care.

July 11, 2013admin 6 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Food , Life in General