Hi everyone!  Overall, things have been going fairly well for me lately.  I’m still having my crummy-feeling days here and there and still have tremendously low energy, but I’m fighting through it.  I also ended up with another cold that I think is finally mostly gone.

There’s been some changes at work lately, including my hours getting switched back to later in the day.  I’m really hoping though that it will just be temporary.

The most fun thing that has been going on is that I’m still seeing the guy I mentioned in my last post.  He seems like a really wonderful guy and makes me feel very special.  I love that we can talk for hours and hours about everything and nothing or even just be silent and it’s great.  We have a ton in common, too.  He’s constantly making me smile whether it’s a text message, something he says or does, or things like this.  I came into work yesterday to find an FTD box on my desk with this inside:


Yeah, I’m feeling like a pretty lucky girl right now. 🙂  He’s been getting me out of the house more lately, too.  Saturday, he’s taking me to my first hockey game. So that should be interesting.  He also introduced me to a great Mediterranean-style restaurant that I can’t wait to go back to.  It’s called Aladdin Cafe.

Weight-wise, I’m holding steady within the same few pounds. I’m not dropping much, but at least I’m not gaining either.  Still trying to eat more naturally when I can. Especially at home.  I haven’t bought or eaten a frozen meal in quite a while now.

Hope you’re all doing well!

January 10, 2013admin 8 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Life in General

Happy Holidays

I’ll admit it.  I’ve been a terrible, awful slacker when it comes to blogging lately.  As seen by the fact that I haven’t written anything since August.  There has just been a lot of stress in my life between work, home, etc. and I’m still really really not feeling well with very little hope in the figuring-it-out department.

On top of everything else I’ve been through this year, I ended up with bronchitis last month which caused me to tear/strain a muscle between the ribs in my back (hello agony).  That put a bit of a hitch in my use of my cpap machine. I’m still struggling to get back to regular use with it.  Not sure it was helping all that much to begin with.

As far as weight loss goes, I’m holding steady at being about 20 pounds down again – give or take one or two.  Sure I’m about at the same place I was in August, but that’s better than having gained, right?  I haven’t been focusing so much lately on sticking within my Weight Watchers points as in trying to just eat less when I can get myself to.  Hasn’t been easy with all that’s been going on.  The biggest thing is that I’m trying to eat more naturally – again, as much as I can.  I’m shopping at Whole Foods for the most part and even when I’m not, I’m trying to buy things with minimal ingredients and no chemicals.  I want to see if that will help how I feel.  So far, no real change, but then I haven’t been able to cut the crap out completely yet.  I haven’t bought a frozen meal in over a month though, so that’s progress.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  I did cave once and bought a Trader Joe’s frozen mac and cheese dinner.  But seriously, have you had it?  If so, you know why I caved.

I will be very very glad to say goodbye to 2012 as it’s been a particularly rough year for me in many ways.  I just pray that 2013 is better.  That being said, there have been some pretty great moments, too.  I’m grateful for the friends and family I have who care about me and who I love.  And I’ve had some pretty fun moments with them.  For example, getting to see my first burlesque show a few weeks ago.

On a more personal side, I’ve started dating again a bit.  In fact, have a third date with someone new this weekend.  It’s too soon to really know anything, but he seems like a good guy.

What are your holiday plans?  I still need to shop for my dad and find something for my grandma, but am otherwise done.  Found out today that my aunt and my uncles are driving in from St. Louis tomorrow just for the day.  It’ll be good to see them. I haven’t seen my aunt since September and it’s been a few years since I’ve seen my uncles.  It’s shaping up to be a fairly busy weekend, so I’m hoping I’ll have some time to relax at some point.  I’m pretty excited that I only have to work half a day tomorrow and then have Monday and Tuesday off.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and have a very happy holiday – regardless of which one you celebrate.  Take care.

December 20, 2012admin 3 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Life in General


Hi all. I know I’ve been slacking in the writing department again, but that doesn’t mean I’ve fallen off track!  I’m actually doing pretty well.  I lost four pounds last week, so am now down 17.3 pounds. I was pretty excited about that.

It’s not really enough to notice yet, but I can tell that a couple of items of clothing are fitting a bit more loosely.  But I’m pretty excited that I’m heading in the right direction again. I also saw a number on the scale yesterday that I haven’t seen since probably 2011.  That made me happy.

Health-wise,  I’m hanging in here.  Saw my doctor again a while back and was diagnosed with some stomach acid issues that are forcing me to cut down on some things in my diet.  Like tomatoes. I love tomatoes. And spicy foods – which I’m kind of okay with. And citrus – I so love my oranges. 🙁 And chocolate – of which there’s no way in hell that’s happening.  And alcohol – which I’ve already cut way back on. She also suggested Zantac if I need it. I’ve only had to use it once and it seemed to really help.  She also diagnosed me with IBS – but I’m pretty sure I’ve had that since high school. So it’s just a matter of accepting it and learning to live with it, I guess.

She also suggested I do another sleep study to see if a cpap machine will help my mild sleep apnea. I’m skeptical that it will. I’m also dreading the study which is this Friday night. Causing me all kinds of anxiety.  But we’ll see what happens. Hopefully it will end up helping. Keep your fingers crossed.

As far as changes, I’ve really been noticing lately how much more comfortable with my body I am – more than I ever have been in my life. Even at my current weight.  I think part of it might be just the whole getting older thing (ugh – I’ll be 35 next month).  The rest – I’m not sure what to attribute it to.  I still get really self conscious sometimes and still feel bad about my body sometimes, but it’s not as bad.  There are times when I’ve actually come to feel comfortable in my skin and love even the rolls. 😉

Last summer, I posted that I’d stopped caring enough that I broke down and wore shorts for the first time in years.  I’ve gained a lot since last summer, and I still went ahead and wore shorts this year.  Of course, the fact that the temperatures were scorching hot this summer helped that.  But I went even farther than that.  I started wearing short sleeve shirts. Ones that came shortly above my elbow. That is something, even at my lowest weight, I wouldn’t do.  I will never go much higher than that, but it was rather liberating.  And so much cooler. LOL  And I’m finding that for the most part, other than a few insecure moments of self-doubt, I really don’t care what anyone else thinks.

The funny thing to me is that I feel more comfortable with my body now, at my current weight, than I did when I was at 170-something.  So we’ll see what happens as the scale continues to drop – which it will, because I’m determined now.

Also, I’m learning that I can still eat out, and still lose.  I rarely ever did that on my last go-around.  At least not at places where I couldn’t find the point values.  Now, I’m just doing my best to guess and trying to do well the rest of the day/week.  I’m not being as harsh with myself this time around.  I’m hoping that will help with staying power this time.

I’m being a lot more vocal about my attempts this time.  Granted, I have more friends now than I did then, but I’m actually telling people what I’m doing.  My coworker knows.  My friends know.  I even posted this most recent loss on Facebook because I was so excited and it has gotten more “likes” than anything I’ve posted yet, I think.  Last time around, I didn’t tell anyone until I had to.  That was usually when they noticed and commented on it and I had to say something or they’d think I was sick. 🙂

The last change I’m going to mention is one that plays into caring less about what others think.  I’m not a fan of snark.  I never have been.  I believe I’ve mentioned this on here before, long ago.  I have no problems with smart-ass comments and such, but I think most of the snark today is just an attempt at being funny at someone else’s expense.  It’s just an opportunity to be rude and get away with it. Well, I’m not being the butt of anyone’s snark anymore.  For my mental health’s sake, I’m reserving the right to selectively ignore any snark that comes my way.  If something is said to me that bothers me, it’s getting ignored.  And yes, this may involve flat out ignoring comments by friends who think they’re being funny.  Even if they don’t think they’re being funny, it comes across as they think they’re better than me.  So this is what I need to do for me.  I’m over it.  So if someone says something that bothers me, that I don’t think is funny, after a moment, I’m just ignoring it. I’m not going to waste my time getting upset or angry.

Whether these changes will end up helping or hindering me, I don’t know yet.  We’ll see!  Hopefully my readiness to take on this journey again, my gradually growing self-confidence, and my flexibility will pay off.

I’m really wishing OneRepublic would come back to Kansas City, because the last time I saw them, they were amazing. I’ve gotten re-addicted to this song lately and part of the lyrics kind of match my attitude.  I’m marching on.

Everything from Weigh-Ins to Jesse James

Hello everyone.

Somehow, amazingly, I’m still pretty much on track.  I realized that I hadn’t updated last week, so I never got to share the awesome news that I lost 3.9 pounds the week before last.

This week, I wasn’t 100%, but did pretty well, and was only down 0.8 lbs. I’m going to take it though since 1) my hormones were running amok, 2) I didn’t gain like I thought I was going to, and 3) it means I’m now down 13.4 lbs since I restarted. Yay me.  It’s not a lot, but one of my shirts is even fitting better, so that makes me happy.

Overall, last week was fairly uneventful other than it marked the first month this year that I haven’t missed a day of work due to illness of some kind. Though there were a few days that I felt absolutely horrible, I forced through it.

This past Saturday, I decided to have another day out and about of sightseeing. And, once again, overdid it a bit.

My mom and I decided to drive to St. Joseph, Missouri to visit the Glore Psychiatric Museum.  It could have been a lot cooler, in my opinion, but I still enjoyed it.  I’m fascinated with all things psychology (which is why I have a bachelor’s degree in it) and am absolutely curious about the history of it – however crazy and horrifying it, itself, may be.

I think the most interesting thing in the exhibit – or at least the most memorable – is the contents of a woman’s stomach in a frame.

If you want to see what it looks like…click here.

I took over 500 pictures over the course of the day, and I won’t bore you with more than that one, but there were some pretty interesting things in the exhibit.  So if you’re in the area, it’s worth a look.  On the same campus, they have the St. Joseph museum, Native American history exhibits, Black archives, Civil War exhibit, etc., so we got to see quite a bit over our afternoon.

Here’s my chubby self being goofy in the two-way mirror/window:


After these museums, we decided to drive by the tiny little house the outlaw Jesse James lived in and was shot in.

Since it was still open, we decided to go on in. This is where he died (apparently stood on a chair to straighten the embroidery and was shot in the back):

So did you guys do anything interesting this weekend?


August 6, 2012admin 1 Comment »
FILED UNDER :Life in General , Weigh-Ins

Week 2 Update

Hi there!

Four days into my second week back on plan and I’m still at it. I’m still having doubts about the “new” Weight Watchers plan though.  It was a little depressing stepping on the scale this morning to only be down 0.1 of a pound. (I usually peek at the scale about mid-week.)  But I’m going to keep going and see what happens at my official weigh in on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Overall, I’m still feeling pretty crummy. Especially this week. Tuesday and today, I’ve been having some stomach issues that just are pretty awful. And that’s on top of the other stuff – lightheadedness, exhaustion, etc.  I go to see my doctor again on Wednesday to discuss my sleep apnea and so will have to talk to her about the other stuff that’s still going on as well. Considering I was in tears this afternoon, I probably will be in her office, too. I’m just so so tired and tired of feeling like hell.  But I’m hanging in here and though I may lapse a bit into self-pity once in a while (hey, I’ve been through a lot this year and have a right to be upset), I eventually pull myself out of it.

Some of you may remember that my dad has epilepsy and tends to fall with it sometimes. He apparently fell three times this morning, though I only heard one of them. Luckily, my mom was able to come home from work so that I could go to work myself. I think he’s okay now. Just banged up and bruised.

I can’t remember if I told you guys or not, but they bought a stair lift for our staircase so that he wouldn’t have to walk up and down the stairs.  It’s been wonderful and is especially helpful in getting him up to bed when he’s having seizures.  However, in one of his falls today, he landed on the chair part of it, which was at the bottom of the stairs, and broke it.  Luckily, they were able to get out there today and fix it and didn’t charge them.

As far as fun this week, it has mostly consisted of my continued quest to get through the entire series of Dawson’s Creek. I never watched it really when it was on TV, and my friend Christy (a/k/a Angelchrys) mentioned that it was on Netflix streaming. So I started with season 1, episode 1, and have worked my way through it. I’m somewhere in the middle of season 6, the final season.

Yes, I’m a Pacey girl. 🙂

Anyway, that’s my update. Hope you’re all having a good week!

Brené Brown & Katie Couric

I have some exciting news for my fellow Brené Brown fans.  Especially those of you within visiting distance of NYC.

For those of you unfamiliar with Brené’s work, you can find my posts about her here or visit her website here.

I received an email from a woman who works for Katie Couric’s new talk show that is coming out this fall. It seems they are doing an episode dedicated to Brené and the idea of “Daring Greatly.”

This what the woman said:

We are doing a show all on “Daring Greatly” with Brene and want to fill her audience with fans AND feature some fans as guests on the show to discuss ways they can possibly dare greatly for the first time with Brene’s help.

I was hoping that you could help spread the word to your followers that we are looking for fans of Brene that would like to , as Brene says, show up and be seen. Meaning, we are looking for women and men to dare greatly by being vulnerable on our show.

These are some of the ideas they’re looking to discuss:

What are you afraid to do that you’d love to find the courage to do?

Are you keeping a secret from a loved one because you are worried about how they will perceive you? Are you recently divorced or widowed and are worried about putting yourself on the line again to be open to more hurt? We all have something we are afraid of opening ourselves up to- things that make us feel like we are on a stage completely naked. We want to hear about what makes you feel naked. What would you love to find the courage to do or say if fear wasn’t holding you back?

If you’re interested in the show, please email the following information:

Your story:

Unfortunately, the show tapes really soon, so I will be unable to attend. It is Thursday, August 9th in New York City – though you all know I’m a huge fan of Brené’s (obviously).

If any of you get to attend this special taping, I hope you’ll let me know how it goes!

(Me and Brené in August 2010)

July 23, 2012admin 1 Comment »
FILED UNDER :Books / Movies / Entertainment , Brene Brown

Weigh In – 7/23/12

My first week back on plan didn’t go perfectly.

I went out with friends on Tuesday night – though I did the best I could as far as tracking what I ate/drank there.

Saturday morning, my mom and I went to see the new Batman movie and went to the Fork & Screen showing.  We shared crab rangoon dip (YUM) and I got a grilled chicken sandwich with fries (one of their better choices). I didn’t eat all of the bun or the fries, however. This meal, I didn’t even bother trying to track – I just did the best I could the rest of the day. And I’m sure all the drooling I did over Christian Bale HAD to have burned some calories. 😉 (Note: My heart and prayers and love go out to those touched by the terrible shooting in Colorado.)

And so I had my first weigh-in from being fully back on track today – I’m not counting my other half-assed attempts to get back on track – and have to admit I was pleased.

I’m down 7.1 pounds this week! Yeah, I’m not going to complain. I know that’s just the luck of the first week back and my other weeks won’t be as good, but I’m pretty damn happy and proud of myself. It’s also proved to me that I can splurge a little bit (at least right now) and that I don’t have to be perfect and can still stay on track.

I’m down a total of 8.7 lbs from my most recent highest weight, and I’ve decided not to focus on the end game for now. I don’t even have a goal weight in mind really – just kind of a general area. I’m just going to go until I’m happy with where I am – screw whatever anyone else says I should weigh. Weight Watchers included.  I do have over 100 lbs that I want to lose, though, so I have a long way to go. I did it once  – I can do it again.  Like last time, I’m going to focus on five pound increments instead of looking at the big picture.


July 23, 2012admin No Comments »
FILED UNDER :Books / Movies / Entertainment , Weigh-Ins

Local Sightseeing/Fun

I mentioned in my earlier post that even with not feeling so great, I’ve been able to have some fun in the past couple of weeks.  It had pretty much reached a point where I was feeling a tiny bit better and that I was just sick of laying around.  So last Saturday, even though I was feeling kinda crummy, I forced myself out of the house.

First, my mom and I finally checked out Sea Life.  Sea Life is an aquarium that opened up in Kansas City last spring. I was thoroughly excited about it, but wanted to wait until the crowds died down a bit before going and with not feeling well, we never got around to it until now.  The crowds were still insane, but it was worth it.

In comparison to bigger aquariums in other cities, I think some people might be disappointed.  I’ve been to better ones.  But for a small aquarium in the heart of Kansas City, it was pretty cool and all of the kids around us were enjoying themselves.  My mom and I got season passes when we left.

There’s also a Legoland place right by it that we haven’t checked out.  Here are some pics that I took with my cell phone (as always, you can click on the images to see larger ones):

This is my favorite pic that I took at the aquarium:

And here’s me:

After the aquarium, I decided that I was finally going to get to see the walls outside the Kansas City Public Library. I’ve been seeing pics of it online for a while now, and even though I’ve lived here for quite some time, I’d never seen it in person.

Later that night, we went to a dinner theater and saw a spectacular production of Hairspray. The energy of the actors was contagious. It made even ME want to dance…and I don’t dance. To clarify, it made me want to…I didn’t of course. 😉

But the fun didn’t stop there!  This past weekend, I finally got to see the traveling Titanic exhibit that’s been here in Kansas City for it’s 100th anniversary.  I have been to the Titanic museum in Branson twice (more about my trip to Branson in 2009 here), which is pretty great, so had fairly low expectations going into this exhibit.  Both my friend and I were pleasantly surprised.  The exhibit was designed really well and had some cool artifacts. We ended up being in it for almost three hours.  I wasn’t allowed to take pictures in it, of course, but I think the coolest thing was actually getting to touch a piece of the hull of the ship.

Since I’ve been feeling crummy, my alcohol intake has plummeted to a bare minimum, but on Friday, I tried what I think might be one of the best wines I’ve ever had.  If you like sweeter wines (but one that isn’t too sweet), you’ll probably like this one:

On top of all of this, I’ve also seen the movies Magic Mike (No comments!  It was terrible! 😀 ) and Ted (which was seriously disturbed, but seriously funny).

To finish off my photo spam, I was really upset last Thursday. Everything that’s been going on with me has been beating me down pretty hard – health, work, etc.  So on my way home I decided to stop by my brother’s (and grandfather’s and great-grandparents’) cemetery for just a few quiet moments to myself – away from distractions and responsibilities and everything else.  And as I was calming myself down, this is what I saw:

Just another reminder that sometimes life is pretty amazing.


It’s been a while since I’ve written.  It’s been a while since I’ve had anything to say – and whether I even do now is, of course, questionable.

It’s been a rough few months.  No, the past few months have been hell.  That’s really the only way to put it. Anyone who has been following my blog for a while (if any of you are still out there – I know a couple are, and for that I’m grateful) knows that I haven’t felt well for a long while. A few years ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I went through a long period of time where I just got fed up with feeling like hell and went through a wide variety of testing – of which nothing ever came from it.  I eventually got so fed up with not getting any answers and visiting so many doctors and having so many tests done, that I pretty much just gave up. After a while, I even went back and made the posts I’d created during that time private.

Well, fast forward a few years. Over those years, I’ve continued to feel crappy, but just kind of learned to live with it, I guess.  And gained a lot of weight back in the process.  You all know this has been a pretty rough year – starting off with my back causing me pretty bad issues again.  It’s not as bad as it was at the beginning of the year, but it still gives me a great deal of trouble.  But several months ago things started getting worse.  To the point of being unbearable.  Horrible fatigue (even worse than usual), dizziness, lightheadedness, and a variety of other issues.

I broke down and went to the doctor when I almost passed out after getting out of the shower one day.  She was a bit baffled and ran some blood tests.  In thinking that my PCOS may have had something to do with it and my very low anemia, she prescribed a birth control pill.  This would be my second attempt at taking one.  The first time around a few years ago, I never could get over the horrible nausea.  I seriously felt like I was being poisoned.  It was horrible.  I would get seasick from just sitting and not moving.

This time around, once I got off an antibiotic for an infection I had, the nausea was bearable, but it totally jacked with my blood pressure and I ended up in the ER twice within a week.  I couldn’t walk across the room without feeling like I would pass out.  I barely got out of bed for two weeks.  I’m still having some problems with that now, but I’m extremely sensitive to medications in general, so am trying to watch what I eat and move around more in order to stay off a BP medicine.  But that may be next in my future.  The one they tried me on the week I was in the ER seemed to just make things worse.

In the process, I learned that I was severely Vitamin D deficient.  My level was 7.  Yup, just 7. WAY low.  So I’m taking 50,000IU each week and trying to eat more Vitamin D-containing foods and get in the sun more.

I’m finally feeling like I’m back to where I was before I went to the doctor,  but still trying to figure out what all is going on.  I had a sleep study done about a month ago and finally got the results back last week.  They discovered that I do have mild sleep apnea.  In fact, this possibility had been mentioned to me several years ago – during that first round of testing when I was at my lowest weight, but none of the doctors ever followed through on it.  It rather makes sense due to all of my issues of fatigue, lightheadedness, concentration issues, short term memory issues, etc. It can also affect anxiety, depression, blood pressure, etc.  And no matter how much sleep I DO get, I NEVER really feel rested.  I sometimes even feel worse when I wake up than I do when I go to sleep.

Right now, because it did show only mild sleep apnea, it seems they want me to try other methods before attempting a cpap machine.  Of course, due to the anxiety of even being there, I actually only slept for 3 hrs the night of the study, so I wonder what it would have looked like if it had been a regular night of sleep for me. But one thing they’re wanting me to try is to keep myself from sleeping on my back. This isn’t easy since I go to sleep on my side in order to keep my back from hurting anyway, but often wake up on my back.  I’ve started attempting the tennis ball method which hasn’t really worked – it just ends up with me rolling halfway on my back in my sleep and waking up with an even sorer back in the morning.  An oral appliance of some kind or surgery may be other possibilities (though I am very anti-surgery at this point).  But I go see an ENT on Friday to see what he says.  Honestly, there’s a part of me that just wishes we could shoot straight for the cpap and see if I can’t just get some freaking rest for once.  But I’m going to keep giving the tennis ball trick a try.

I’m really hoping that this is the answer to a lot of the issues that I’ve been having.  However, I still have the issues of my PCOS, and have been having some stomach issues that kind of point towards an ulcer that I’m needing to have checked out.

The unfortunate consequence of hitting the ER twice in one week was that I met my high deductible for the year – so owe quite a bit in medical bills.  The positive consequence of that is that I can get this other stuff looked into without worrying about the cost.  Unfortunately, I’m seriously burned out on doctors right now and don’t even want to deal with it.

Just tired of feeling crummy.  But I’m forcing myself to do what I need to.  I’m attempting to get back on plan, to eat better, and  to eat things that are better for me. In fact, I started counting points again today.  I’ve been trying to cut back in general the past few weeks, but am going to try to actually count for a while. But for the past few months, I’ve felt like such crap that I haven’t had the energy really to cook or put much effort into what I was putting into my mouth and I’m sure that hasn’t helped matters.

So I’ll keep you posted as far as what happens. And throughout all of this, I have actually been able to have a little bit of fun in the past couple of weeks, so I’ll tell you a bit about that in my next post.

I do hope to begin posting more regularly. I think it would do me good. Plus, I just miss some of you guys. 🙂

July 16, 2012admin 4 Comments »

Not derailed

Yesterday did not go so well on the eating front. I ate too much and I ate too many things I probably shouldn’t have.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m a firm believer in the power of “everything in moderation.”  I know that when I eliminate something completely from my diet or put something completely off-limits, it only makes me want it more and that is a recipe for disaster.  But the word moderation is the key, and the word moderation was nowhere in my vocabulary yesterday.

But I did something different this time around. I actually tracked my insanity. I used a lot of my weekly flex points, but I’m still within them. I’ve also been tracking today.

I’m a little disappointed with myself, but I’m not going to let it tear me down.

I skidded on the tracks a bit yesterday, but unlike before, I haven’t given up.  This time, I didn’t let it completely derail me.

April 11, 2012admin 4 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Weight Watchers / Weight Loss