Archive for the ‘Lbs. the Movie’ Category

You’re Never Gonna Believe It!

I actually made it through a weekend COMPLETELY within my points!!!!!!!!  Me!!  I don’t know what it was, but this weekend, I just found myself feeling like it had all clicked in my head again.  Of course, we’ll see what happens after this weekend trip!

Saturday was a totally crappy day.  We were crunched on time for one thing.  For another, I was seriously unhappy with the new digital camera I had bought last weekend, and finally decided to return it.  (It was a Canon PowerShot SX120IS.) The specs were awesome and the features were incredible in theory, especially for someone who loves photos as much as I do. Unfortunately, the image quality left a lot to be desired. Even the photos out in full sunlight were really, really grainy and unclear. After I returned it to Best Buy, I was perusing their other cameras and started talking to one of the workers there, who expressed amazement that I hated that camera, because it was the favorite of all of the employees. It’s always possible that I got a bad one, but I did a search for that camera and “grainy” and it seems a bunch of other people have had that problem with it.

But I looked at and tried out several other cameras that I had checked reviews on, and even some that I didn’t and listened to what the employee had to say. As I was narrowing it down to two or three, another guy came up and was really giving the employee a hard time, really questioning her and drilling her (much like I was) but he was just being ornery. We had asked her which was her favorite of the ones we had narrowed it down to and when she told us, he pulled out his iPhone and checked the reviews for it and luckily, saw that it was $25 cheaper online – a price she matched, of course. So I’m glad he was standing there! We both ended up getting the Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-H55, a fairly new camera from what I can tell.

As soon as I left the store, I had massive buyer’s remorse and second-thoughts.  I was worried that I’d get home and it would be just as crappy as the last one and I really needed a new one for my trip this coming weekend.  But so far I’m really happy with it – it is MUCH better than the other one as far as pic quality.  Here’s a test run pic with the new one:

Anyway, the rest of Saturday blew – I went to probably six different clothing stores and couldn’t find a single shirt that I liked.  Not. a. single. one.  Okay, I know that it’s summer, but does every single shirt have to be sleeveless, teeny tiny short sleeves, or made from really thin knit??  Newsflash! Not all overweight people like to show their arms or wear something quite that clingy!  So that was discouraging.

Then, my car was acting somewhat funny – so hopefully it gets me to and from work tomorrow.  After that, I got home and went out to mow and the self-propelled motor part wasn’t working.  I tried just pushing it, but that darn thing just didn’t want to move!  So overall a crappy day, and I STILL stayed within my points!

Today was much better, I gave my new camera a tryout around outside and decided that I liked it.  I was able to find a new shirt that I liked at the one store that I haven’t been to lately.  Then we found out that my aunt will be in town this weekend after all, so she will be able to look in on my dad – we had thought that she was going to be out of town.  So that is a MASSIVE weight lifted off of our shoulders.  My mom is feeling much better about us going.  Then, when we went to the grocery store, my mom took a detour and decided – randomly and completely unexplainably – to drive past the house of one of my brother’s friends.  We were so glad we did, because we saw this in the driveway:

It’s my brother’s truck!!!  My brother’s truck was his baby.  He spent the majority of his time working on it and well, babying it.  After he died, one of his close friends (who can be a bit wild at times) bought it from us.  We had hoped that he would cherish it, too.  Well, even though he kept in touch for quite a while, we kind of lost touch.  And we totally understand that – life goes on.  But we had wondered if he still had the truck and really were hoping that he hadn’t wrecked it or anything.  It’s been at least three years since we’ve seen it.  But as we started to drive by, my mom was like “is that his truck?!?”  And then as we passed, we KNEW that it was, because it has “You’ll always be remembered” stenciled across the top of the back window.  His friend had that added after he bought it from us.  But seeing that just made us feel that much more relieved.  We tend to believe in silly little signs like that – that maybe it’s all going to be okay and that my brother is somewhere keeping an eye on us.

Anyway, silliness aside, today was much better and we are really really getting excited about the trip.  I’ll admit I’m a bit nervous and overwhelmed about the trip – not looking forward to dealing with security after Saturday’s events in NY and knowing how rushed we’re going to be – but the excitement is starting to win out.  I mean, I’m actually going to get to see the Lincoln Memorial and the White House in person, for God’s sake!  (Of course, I’m sure that doesn’t mean much to those of you who have seen them time and time again!)   It’s just exciting knowing you’re going to get to see things that you’ve heard about all of your life.  The excitement I’m feeling actually reminds me a lot of the excitement I felt at going to CA last year (almost a year ago exactly).

On the “Lbs.” front, here’s a great new review:

What Would Toto Watch?  “Lbs.” – Pound for Pound a Seriously Original Drama

Okay, that’s all for tonight!  I’m off to finish watching a History Channel special on “Secret Societies” with my dad – interesting and odd so far!  Hope you had a great weekend!

Happy Friday!

I hope everyone had a happy Friday!  While mine got off to a start reminiscent of last Friday, it finally chilled out an hour or so ago and things have been moving much more reasonably now.  At the beginning, we had several large projects, our work bin was full, and the phone calls and e-mails kept pouring in.  It was insane.  But all is well now (because we rock! 😉 ).

On the food front, I’m doing much better.  I’ve stuck to my points the past couple of days, and I’m proud of that.  See, my slip-ups are getting shorter and shorter!

This weekend, I don’t have a lot planned:  finalize plans for DC, shop, and relax  (AHH This time two weeks from now, I’ll be in DC!!).  That’s it.  Oh yeah, and mow the darn yard.  I thought the rainstorm last night was so pretty to listen to until I left for work today and saw how much the grass had grown overnight.  😉

As you all know, “Lbs.” opened up today in Minneapolis.  Check it out if you’re in the neighborhood.  It’s already gotten a few good reviews (the ones I’ve found, among many other goodies, can also be found on my “Lbs.” page).  Here are two recent articles I liked:

Twin Cities Pioneer Press

Minneapolis Star Tribune

Oh, and as I was doing a search last night for info to update my page with, I came across this one that absolutely cracked me up.  I immediately knew that I had read it before, and I did here, but this version sounds like it was run through an online translator from English into another language and then back into English.  It just made me laugh and I thought I’d share.

For example, this:

As much an example of self-preservation as a film, “Lbs.” features one of the most dramatic physical transformations captured on celluloid.

Has become this:

As much an example of self-preservation as the film, “Lbs.” facilities the single of the many thespian earthy transformations prisoner on celluloid.

Fun stuff.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not making fun of the online translators as I’d be lost without them, I’m sure, but it is funny to see your language broken down like that.  Especially when compared side-by-side, you can see where they get it.  Physical=earthy?  Yup, sure can.

I had recently posted a link to this interview with Carmine Famiglietti where he mentions that he’s regained quite a bit of weight since he filmed the movie.  But he tweeted a couple of days ago that he’s lost 25 pounds recently.  So way to go, Carmine!  I’m cheering him along, just like I’m cheering all of you along, whether it’s your weight or something else you’re struggling with.  I might not have been commenting on your blogs as often lately, but I still care and still love hearing from you!!

As for me, I’m trying.  I’m actually trying.  You’ve been hearing it a lot from me lately, but I’m downright determined to make it through this weekend on plan, and there’s no wondering if I can or not.  I can.  And I will.

You all know that my favorite book series ever is the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher.  I was recently reminded of this great quote that is the exact thing that I needed to hear right now, and wanted to share it with you.  It is from his book “Turn Coat“:

“There are bad things in the world. There’s no getting away from that. But that doesn’t mean nothing can be done about them. You can’t abandon life just because it’s scary, and just because sometimes you get hurt. ” — Jim Butcher (Turn Coat)

I hope you all have the most perfect weekend!

“There are bad things in the world. There’s no getting away from that. But that doesn’t mean nothing can be done about them. You can’t abandon life just because it’s scary, and just because sometimes you get hurt. ” — Jim Butcher (Turn Coat)

Clarification and DC Trip

Hi all!  I hope you’re having a good week so far!

As usual, this post is going to be a mish-mash of craziness that’s been running through my head lately.  In fact, I seem to be doing  a lot of these posts lately.  Maybe I’ll get my act together one of these days.  🙂  As an example of my thought process right now, I currently have 27 tabs (no joke) open in my internet browser – mostly things I need to look at or share with you all or just deal with later.

First, thank you all so much for the supportive comments on my post yesterday!  To clarify, I would never belittle a 2.8 pound loss!  That’s an amazing loss!  I just should have explained my comments a bit more.  I was actually afraid that it wasn’t really a loss at all.  You see, in a move totally unusual for me, I ate about an hour and a half before I weighed in last week, so while I showed a huge gain, I was hoping that some of it stemmed from that and that it wasn’t all really a gain.  But by losing 2.8 this week, I didn’t know if I had really lost anything at all, or if it was just showing the the difference in eating times.  Heck, I could have even gained.  I guess the real test will be to see what happens next week, even though I haven’t done so great the past couple of days.  I’ve got tomorrow all planned out, though, and I did hop on the treadmill last night (and no, I didn’t literally hop onto it.  I’d like to keep it in one piece.  🙂 ).

I also want to apologize if I haven’t been as “involved” lately.  As you know, there’s been a lot going on and as I’ve also said before, I’ve been in kind of a funk.  I’ve also been feeling kind of detached from everything – not just you guys, everyone and everything.  I think it might be a coping mechanism from everything:  work stress, my dad’s trip to the ER, our family friend dying, etc.  I kind of feel shell-shocked.  But I do want you to know that I read every single comment you leave and message you send, and value each and every one.  You don’t know how much they mean to me.  I will get through this.  It just might take a bit of time and I know I haven’t been posting as often, but I’ve been trying to keep from turning this blog into a ridiculously unwarranted pity party.

I’ve been distracting myself by reading (just finished “Push” – anyone read it?  Thoughts?  I’m going to start “My Lobotomy” tonight), watching tv on DVD (we started the first season of Glee and I’m hooked – when the football team did “Put a ring on it,” I about fell over with laughter) and movies (finally saw all of “Lucas” (what a great movie), and some of “Red Dawn” with my dad last night (which brought up lots of discussion between us)), and with trying to plan our DC trip.

This last one is where my mind has been most focused.  Between trying to find comfy shoes for my big-ass feet (Thanks, Mom and Dad!), trying to figure out what I’m going to wear, and trying to figure out how to cram seeing a whole city into one day, it’s been rather complicated.  Luckily, we’ve had a slow night at work tonight and I’ve spent probably the last four hours trying to work out a tentative itinerary.  You know, since it’s only 15-16 days away.  (ACK!!!)  So here’s the tentative plan:


After checking into the hotel, maybe see the National American History Museum if we have time (I haven’t run this one by my mom, but I think she’ll go for it.  I want to see the Holocaust Museum badly, but I think she’d enjoy this more)


That night, seeing “Lbs.” (and hopefully getting to meet Carmine Famiglietti and the executive producer, Marc Victor – they both know I’m coming – can you feel my nervousness through the internet?).  Did I mention that our flight leaves around 7 am?  Yes, I’m going to be a zombie before the night is through.



Three hour DC tour where the guides get off with you at the stops (Anyone else have the below song in their head now?  Hopefully we’ll have better results.)


National Archives to see the Constitution/Declaration of Independence/Bill of Rights (Okay, seriously, if I went to DC and didn’t see these, I’d never forgive myself.)


Three hour (again with that damn song) nighttime DC tour

Note: The tours help with keeping down the amount of walking my mom has to do to a minimum (she has problems with her knees and hips) and maximize what we can see since we’re crunched on time.



Flight home

A friend of mine from college also wants to meet up with us at some point, but I’m just not sure if that’s going to work out or not.  We’ll have to see how it goes.  So the excitement is building, as is the anxiety.  But now that I have a tentative plan, I’ve inched back the anxiety a bit.  If you don’t like pics, then I would avoid my blog the following week. 😉

The giddy little schoolgirl in me is freaking (in a good way) at the thought of being near such historical sites and artifacts.  I’m a HUGE history buff, even though you would never know it since I am TERRIBLE with dates and details.  For me, it’s the personal aspect of it.  When we went to Virginia Beach several years ago, we made a stop in a small town in West Virginia that I can’t remember the name of (see – details), but as we were walking down the town street, there was a sign on a building saying that that building was created in 1776.  Um, yeah, I stopped to place my hand against the side of it and just felt such amazement imagining how long it had been standing there and imagining the lives of those who had built it and placed their hands exactly where mine were over the years.  (Am I a freak or what?  I’d probably have to be hospitalized if I ever went to Europe. 😀 )  So yeah, being in the same room with the Constitution and Declaration of Independence will probably do me in.  But oh how exciting!

Well, that’s all for me tonight.  Sweet dreams!

“Lbs.” the Movie in Minneapolis This Friday

Hi all!  I just wanted to remind you that “Lbs.” will be opening up in Minneapolis this Friday at the Lagoon Cinema.  Click on the link for more theater information or click here to purchase tickets (they should be available in the next day or two).  You can also get them on Fandango.   Carmine Famiglietti will be in attendance Friday and Saturday night for Q&A sessions.  All I have to say is that man has got to be exhausted by now!

Also, for those of you in the NY area, according to the “Lbs.” Facebook page, Carmine “will be appearing on WNBC’s ‘LX New York’, this Wednesday, April 21st, somewhere between 5 and 6 o’clock. If you live in the Tri-State Area, WNBC is channel 4 for most of you.”  If you’re in the New York area and have a chance, check it out!

April 19, 2010admin No Comments »
FILED UNDER :Books / Movies / Entertainment , Lbs. the Movie

A Roller Coaster of a Week

Okay, so I started this post yesterday with the headline “A Terrible, Rotten Week.”  Now, it’s more of a “Roller-Coaster Week.”  I’ll explain.

My original post began:  “Ah, people.  Pamela has fallen and fallen hard. It’s pretty safe to say that it’s been a pretty terrible, rotten week.  A lot of it of my own making, but most definitely not all.”  I will continue here with my original post, and then tell you what has since changed.

Last week was going (not good or bad, just going).  I was plugging along, feeling ravenously hungry for some reason, but sticking to my points.  Even though I was staying on plan, I proceeded to watch the scale continue to inch up day after day until I was more than two pounds over my weigh-in of the previous week by Thursday.  Add to that: work completely (insanely) stressing me out, a hundred of other stressors, becoming completely disillusioned with quite a bit in my life and in life in general, and various other goings-ons, and it made for a Pamela that was in a *bit* (understatement) of a funk.

So late Friday night/Saturday morning, I consciously decided that I didn’t give a “flying flip” about what I ate on Saturday.  Yes, those words actually went through my mind repeatedly.  [I have a new way of thinking about this, but it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow, but this post is going to be insanely long as it is.]  I also had a grand total of three hours of sleep that night.

Saturday morning was all right – my mom and I went to the sneak peak of the new polar bear exhibit at the zoo (complete with a free Krispy Kreme donut and apple juice) and stayed for the sea lion show (which we always miss).  So that was fine, but somewhere over the course of the day, I pulled a muscle in my back.  I’ve had back problems since my junior year in college when I was diagnosed with a bulged disc in my spine.  OMG I’ve never felt such agony as that before or since.  This wasn’t anywhere near anything like that, but it was enough to add an even bigger damper on my weekend.

Unfortunately, the zoo was followed by “Five Guys Burgers and Fries” for lunch.  And a combination of the hamburger and fries which were delicious by the way (I got a little cheeseburger and my mom and I split the fries), and the the lack of sleep served to make me feel like total crap afterward.  Did that stop me?! No!  Of course not!  I had to top it off with ordering Pizza Hut for dinner.

I then bought this little tv for work (which was another highlight, since I can now listen to my shows in the evening when I’m not transcribing a tape).  I used to have one, but this is my first since they switched to digital.  And no, I have NO clue what is showing on it in the pic – I think it’s a commercial of some kind.

But then I gave myself this by opening the thick cardboard box that it came in (pic taken the next morning well after it stopped gushing blood):

So then things settled down a bit.  But the next morning, I had to help mow the lawn for the first time of the year, which my back most definitely did not like.  As I was resting and about to hop in the shower, that’s when the worst thing of the week happened.

We got a phone call.  As soon as my mom checked the caller ID, we were worried because we hadn’t heard from her in a long while, and then I could tell from the things my mom was saying that it wasn’t good news.  And old family friend passed away unexpectedly last week.  He was 74.

When I was little, my mom still had to work for my first few years.  She was referred to a woman that lived one street away from us, and this woman proceeded to babysit me every week day until my brother was born (about 4 years).  Even after that, I was constantly going over there after school or on weekends just to visit.  I was kind of like an honorary member of their family.  As I got older, we drifted, as can easily happen.  It’s mostly my fault.  But I stopped going over as much through late middle school and high school.  And then I went to college several states away and I rarely ever saw them.

Over the past several years, we’ve constantly said that “we need to go visit them.”  But we always had an excuse:  “I’m a mess today.  I’m too tired.  We have too much to do.  We’ll go next weekend.  Etc.”  Apparently, I have a hard time following the lesson I’ve been preaching since my brother died about not taking anything or anyone for granted. In fact, I haven’t seen them since my brother’s funeral.  Seven years ago.  Seven. Freaking. Years. Ago.  And did I mention that they live one street away?!?  Time just goes by too fast, but seriously, what the heck is wrong with me?

So anyway, the man who passed away was her husband.  Of course, I don’t know much about who he was today for obvious reasons, but I remember him as being one of the kindest, most gentle/quiet men I’ve ever known.  And his death really really hit me hard.  Regret and guilt played a BIG role in that.  Especially since I saw just how important I was to his family when I saw them at the funeral on Monday.  I believe “You were always my baby” and “Pammy! It’s our Pammy!” came out of at least two of their mouths.  And no, don’t even think about calling me Pammy! 🙂  One of them introduced me to her daughter (15 now! Wow I feel old) as “This is Pammy! The one from the pictures that I’ve been telling you about!”  And his wife told me, “someone asked who my other child was.  They said, ‘I thought you only had two!'”  And just being there reminded me of how important they were to me.  Funny how you can forget something like that.

Anyway, learning about his death and then the funeral hit me really, really hard.  And since I was already off plan, it just threw me that much further off of it.  We won’t even mention what my weight was on Tuesday.  “ACK!” about covers it.  I’m still horribly sad about everything, the same stresses are still there, but I’m trying to work through them and deal with them.  I’m trying to learn from this experience.  So I hope you learn from it, too.  Give a loved one a hug – call or email someone you care about that you haven’t talked to in a while.  Get in touch.  It’s never too late until it is.

So through yesterday, I was a pitiful mess of a human being.  But while my allergies/headaches have gone insane with the spring pollen, my back is doing better.  In fact, I got back on the treadmill last night for 45 minutes even though I had a splitting headache! (Go me!)  And I stuck to my points today.  So while I spun out of control for about five days, I kept it to five days this time.  I’m learning, I think.

My mom did scare the crap out of me today, though.  I came down to discuss what I’m about to explain next and she and my dad were just sitting in the living room with the TV off and she was crying.  I seriously thought someone else had died or was terminally ill.  But it seems that her work is stressing her out even more than my work is stressing me out.

Now, while I’m still dealing with a lot of things, I’ve got some very exciting news (for me, anyway!).  Guess who’s flying to Washington, DC for the first time in her life at the beginning of May?!  Yup!  That would be moi!  I’m SO freaking excited.  We’re going to the DC premiere of “Lbs.” on Friday (and the Q&A after) and then are going to try to cram (and I mean CRAM) as much sightseeing in as our bodies can take on Saturday.  My mission is to see the landmarks around the national mall of course, but I’m dying to see the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, etc.  I’d kill to hit the Smithsonian, but we’re going to have to make another trip, maybe next year, to see as much as I’d like.   So while I know my nervousness will start to hit me in the next couple of weeks, I know we’re going to have a blast.

PS – There just aren’t words to express how behind I am in my blog reading!!  Y’all are a talkative bunch! 😉  But I love that you are!

So yup, definitely a roller-coaster week.  Anyway, enough rambling from me tonight.  Take care!

Great Carmine Famiglietti Interview on WBZ

Hi all!  I just wanted to share this great interview with Carmine Famiglietti on WBZ Radio in Boston.  He is being interviewed by Laurie Kirby and discusses the movie, his weight loss, and his struggle to try and keep the weight off.  I’ve also linked to it on my “Lbs.” page in the toolbar above.

Carmine Famiglietti on WBZ

April 9, 2010admin 3 Comments »
FILED UNDER :Books / Movies / Entertainment , Lbs. the Movie

“Lbs.” the Movie is in Boston!

Hi Folks!  Sadly, the New York run for “Lbs.” is about over.  In fact, there are just two more showings tonight.  One at 7:30pm and one at 10:00pm.   But don’t fear!  Because if you’re in the Boston area, it’s opening up in Cambridge tomorrow at the Kendall Square Cinema!  Click here for theater information and here for tickets.

According to the movie’s Facebook page, those who attend the Q&A sessions will receive a free t-shirt.  Yeah, remind me again why I live in KC? 😉

If you haven’t already, don’t forget to check out their official website and the page I created for the film on my own site – I’ve added a couple of new reviews and the interviews are always interesting reading/listening.  I’ll keep updating it as more info comes out.

Take care!

Attractively Distressed

Oh. My. God. Somebody.  Stop. The. Itching!!  I’m about to slice my shoulder right off. This sunburn from Saturday is driving me insane!!  It doesn’t hurt too bad until I go to scratch it, but it itches incessantly.  And no comments about how slicing my shoulder off would do more harm than good, because frankly, logic isn’t my friend right now! ;o)  And what irks me even more is that usually I’m sunscreen’s biggest spokesperson and am tanning’s biggest opponent and am almost always whiter than a ghost.  So I feel like that much bigger of an idiot.  Ah, well.  Life, and scratching, goes on.

Have you guys seen this?  Lissa tweeted this link earlier today.  I’m still struck by the irony of the ad saying “Dare Me to Be Me.”  Huh.

And I don’t know how in the world the national news has missed this, but Kansas City has apparently been invaded by dinosaurs!!  I know! I thought they were extinct, too!  Apparently Jurassic Park III wasn’t enough for the genetic engineers behind it and they’ve been working on a sequel behind the scenes?

Okay, it’s really just a statue outside of Union Station – I think for some kind of dinosaur exhibit.

I collect magnets at work, because we have a metal locker next to our desk (yes, I love it!) and I was waiting for my increasingly slow computer to boot up one day and let my eyes wander over to them.  Normally, they’re just there and I don’t pay much attention.  But I noticed one of my favorites that is always a great reminder:

I just need to ignore the fact that “alot” isn’t a word.

And I wonder why my allergies/sinuses are going berserk?  Check out the pollen on my car (yes, me thinks it’s time for a car wash):

Do you guys remember this post of mine where I spoke about the whole weight loss/loose skin thing and being single?  Well, I read this book recently:

It reminded me quite a bit of a Stephen King novel, actually, and wasn’t too bad.  But there is one part that really struck me:

“I wish you could have known me before I started with that kind of thing.  Before I got like I am.  Before I did all the things I wish I could take back.”

“You know how people pay more money to buy furniture that’s been roughed up a little?  What do they call it?  Things that have been distressed?  That’s because something that’s seen a little wear is just more interesting than something brand-new that hasn’t ever had a scuff on it.”

“That’s me,” she said.  “Attractively distressed.”

Well, I loved that.  Of course, they’re talking about the fact that she used to be a stripper, but I can’t be the only one to see how it could apply to other situations.  I don’t know about the “attractively” part, but I’ve certainly got the “distressed” part down.  😉  Anyway, I loved that scene and wanted to share it with you all.  Now if I can only find the real life guy that holds this character’s belief.  LOL

I was listening to Pandora as I was trying to fall asleep last night and stumbled across this song – I’d never heard of the singer, but love his voice and the song!

Okay, that’s enough rambling from me today!  Hope you all had a happy Monday!  (If happy and Monday can really be used in the same sentence!)

PS – on the “Lbs.” front, it’s still playing through Thursday, April 8th at Village East Cinema in NYC.  Click here for tickets.  And all of you Boston peeps, don’t forget that it opens up there on Friday!  So far, they have sold over 1400 tickets to the NY showing (and one from myself – the crazy person that I am.  Hey, even though I couldn’t be there, I wanted to support it!  And besides, 13.50 for a ticket is a lot better than spending over $500 to fly up there. 🙂 )

Why I Regained 80 Plus Lbs.

This is really hard for me to admit, but I’ve been in kind of a bad place the past few weeks.  I’ve done my best to hide it from you all – maybe I succeeded, maybe I didn’t.  Maybe it shone through anyway.

There are many reasons for it – some measurable, that I can pinpoint to a specific cause, and some not.

Based on the subject of this post, you may choose to believe that it is solely based on the weight that I’ve regained.  Part of it is.  Maybe part of it is the reason I regained over 80 pounds.  I’ve been trying to figure those things out along the way, and am just now trying to put those ideas into concrete words.  So bear with me.

One day when I was out walking on one of my favorite trails – this was when I was just barely starting to get back on track – I was once again contemplating what in the world could have made me gain so much weight to begin with.  I’ve never quite been able to figure it out.  But I had a sudden realization that day, that my thoughts always seem to circle back to one idea.  I don’t fit in.

I’ve never once in my entire life felt that I “fit.”  Even as a young child, I never felt like I fit in anywhere.  Even with close friends, I’ve often felt that they were just tolerating me.  And this is definitely not a reflection on them (okay, maybe on a few), but on my good friends, this is entirely on me.  I wondered that day when I was strolling along if maybe, at some point, my subconscious made a decision to make the outside of me literally, physically “not fit.”  It made my outside a reflection of how I felt on the inside.  Perhaps it gave me a reason to explain why I didn’t fit in.  I’m fat.  I don’t fit in physically – into airplane seats, restaurant booths, etc.  I’m fat.  I don’t fit in, because I’m different than my friends, than society as a whole.  Once again, giving a physicality to what I was feeling on the inside.  It gave me a physical reason that I could blame for why I didn’t feel good enough.

I know that I’ve mentioned how much I admire and respect the author Brené Brown.  Recently, she announced that they were releasing a DVD of one of her presentations entitled:  “The Hustle for Worthiness:  Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough.”  Score!  It took me a few days to justify the cost (it’s $25 for a 50 minute presentation), but I finally broke down and ordered it.  I mean, seriously, I’ll spend $20 on Harry Potter for God’s sake.  Why wouldn’t I spend $25 on trying to understand myself better?

I watched it tonight at work (it was a fairly slow night) and loved it.  Words can’t express how much I support it.  But there are so many ideas that really struck me – nearly knocked me down – that I’m still trying to wrap my mind around them.  Perhaps I’ll write more about it soon.  But one of the things that she mentions is the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.”  What I’ve felt over the years, while perhaps at first was a fear of not “fitting in,” what my weight was really masking was a fear of not “belonging.”  As she explains, they are different.  Over the years, especially throughout high school and early college, I really learned how to “fit in.”  Entirely too well.  I became whatever someone wanted or needed me to be at the time.  Whatever friend I was with, I did my damnedest to be just like them (minus the whole physical issue of weight, of course) and agree with whatever opinion they had.  If I didn’t, they might make fun of me (*gasp*).

Of course, this could all feed back to elementary/middle school where I was made fun of relentlessly for my weight.  See the chicken vs egg issues I’m having?  Like I said before, it’s a rolling ball of twine.  It’s all tied up together.  But really, what I was most afraid of was not belonging – not having that group that I could be myself with and not having those people in my life that totally “got” me and accepted me for who I was.

Ms. Bitch Cakes’ most recent post really hit home.  I never had a lot of friends growing up.  Okay, I did have a few friends, but no one really that I could tell my dreams and hopes and secrets to.  Not until I met my best friend, Abby, in high school.  Even then, I was scared to share too much with her until later on in high school.

And because of this, I don’t really know how to relate to people well.  I spent a lot of time by myself reading, watching TV (this was before the internet).  Even to this day, I’m most comfortable when I’m by myself.  Most social situations tend to freak me out – mostly grounded in the fear of making a fool of myself or being thought of as a freak.  Things that might make a normal person slightly embarrassed are sources of abject mortification for me that I relive day after day, year after year.  Even today, I can remember something I might have said or done 20 years ago that embarrassed me, and feel just as much humiliation now as I did then.

At times, I’m either not trying hard enough or trying too hard to make that connection.  I’ve never learned that balance of being able to “just be me.”  I’ve finally gotten to the point of where I can express my opinions on things.  I now have no problem with telling you what I like and dislike and if I disagree with you.  If someone is hurting, or a friend really needs a friend (either to laugh or cry with) I’m totally there.  Without hesitation or doubt.  But if it is myself that needs the friend, whether to laugh or cry with, well, I have a much easier time with the laughing part, but I still don’t feel comfortable with the asking.  Somewhere along the way (and I believe this part also has a lot to do with my brother’s death), I learned to laugh over anything that might really be bothering me or shrug it off with dry humor.  I don’t know how to share that part of myself anymore.  I think part of it might be due to having a few people in my life at one point that would merely respond to something I was struggling with with an “mm-hmm” or some other noncommittal remark.  And that’s it.  I think I learned that I was talking too much about myself, they were bored and uninterested and to just stop.

As I grew up, I was sure that getting thin would fix everything.  The birds would sing, the sun would come out, I’d be surrounded by best friends who would totally love me for who I was, guys would be lining up to date me, and all would be right with the world.  Ha.  Of course, as I got older, I came to realize that most of that was baloney.  As Popeye would agree, I was what I was and am what I am regardless of what I weigh.

I think I just wasn’t prepared for how little would actually change.  Sure:

  • I felt lighter on my feet
  • Didn’t get out of breath as easily
  • Could fit into smaller clothes
  • Was more willing to go out in public
  • Could sit in my car without my stomach touching the wheel (which I’m proud to say that I still can, even with my weight gain)

But there were things I wasn’t prepared to deal with:

  • At my lowest of 179-180, I still felt hugely fat at times, which I think had more to do with the numbers and the loose skin than anything else.  You see, I was still comparing myself to everyone else.

  • I didn’t feel that much better physically, and am starting to believe that my doctors were right in thinking that my anxiety levels have a lot to do with it.
  • My PET, which had gradually gotten worse as the weight went down, was making my life a living hell.
  • I was still disgusted by my body which hadn’t changed – all the contours, shapes, rolls were the same, just smaller.  Of course, I’m even more thoroughly disgusted now at my current weight.
  • I didn’t have my weight as an excuse anymore to hide from the world.  It was like, “oh crap, now I have to start dealing with things.”  All those things that I promised, swore I would do or deal with when I got thin reared up and smacked me in the head.
  • And I got scared.  There were things that I would potentially have to start dealing with that I wasn’t comfortable dealing with or even thinking about.

So all of those are multiple things that I think led to my weight regain, along with:

  • I just freaking like to eat.  I love to eat.  I love food.  I love eating whatever I want whenever I want – savoring the flavor, texture, etc.  As Neil says in “Lbs.,” “I love food.  I am freaking happy when I’m eating food.  I love it.”  (You had to know I’d sneak a “Lbs.” reference in here somehow.)
  • Because of that, I was tired of what felt like serious deprivation.  I truly believe that food can be a serious addiction, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, I went on about an eight month ice cream and pizza bender.  I guess you could say I relapsed.
  • As I mentioned on Tuesday, I did get cocky.  I started having a little bit of a cheat here and there, a few uncounted Hershey’s kisses here, an extra piece of pizza there, and really, it didn’t affect my weight too badly until it got out of control.
  • It didn’t help that knowing my weight history, my doctor still put me on a medication that is notorious for causing ravenous hunger and weight gain (off of it now, thank God).
  • And seriously, if I was going to be that thin and still be miserable?  Then why not eat and enjoy it?

After reading this, you probably imagine that I spend 100% of the time beating myself up inside for not being good enough.  Not entirely (maybe only 75%).  There are parts of myself that I really like: I know that I’m compassionate, and I have a lot of love to share.  I know that there are things that I’m really good at.  But still, I find myself comparing myself to others and falling short.  Constantly, it’s “I wish I was more like her; I wish I was more like him; I wish I had thought of that, I wish I was….I wish I had….”

When I was growing up, I wasn’t afraid to dream big.  By the time I was my current age, I was going to be ruling the world – own my own international business, been to the moon, won the Nobel peace prize and the highest literary and poetry prizes in the world, be happily married with 12 kids (perhaps a slight exaggeration), have traveled to exotic locations all around the world (don’t you love how going to the moon came to mind first?), I’d own a mansion that my kids could run around in, would take care of my parents so they wouldn’t have to worry ever again, I’d be a black belt in karate, have studied with the Dalai Lama, etc., etc., etc.  There were so many things that I wanted to do, but was afraid to pursue – weight gave me a concrete excuse for avoiding the risk of humiliation, ridicule that I expected.  And when the weight was there, it gave me one more reason to fear trying for those things.  Again, chicken or egg?  I don’t really know.

And when the weight came off, I couldn’t use that as an excuse for why I wasn’t brave enough to go after the things I wanted.  I also couldn’t hide anymore from the fears that my life would never be “normal” regardless of my weight (whatever the skewed image of a “normal life” was that I had).

There are times when I feel like I’ve boxed myself into this life that I didn’t want and can’t escape from.  I know that the only way is to start taking baby steps.  This blog and starting to open up about my weight were the first steps, but it’s been two years, and minus 160+ pounds and plus 80+ pounds and minus 18 pounds, and my life hasn’t changed one iota.  Except that here I am.  Baring my soul to the world risking ridicule and yes, humiliation.  Especially since people that know me in my “real life” are reading this.

Perhaps there has been some progress.

So here I am, laying it all out on the line in the hopes that someone somewhere might relate to even a little piece of my story.  As Brené says in her DVD, I’m trying to own my own story and find the worthiness within it.

A while back, I added a couple of Brené’s badges to my sidebar declaring that I’m choosing to live authentically and wholeheartedly.  I’m trying to live up to that.  On her DVD, she declares that “authenticity is about the courage to be imperfect” and that it means “I am enough.”  That’s what I’m striving for here.

And I’ll leave you with one more quote from Brené:

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.  It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

So this is me.

This is my story.

And yes, I am worthy.  I’m working on trying to believe that at all times.  And am refusing to fear the dark at this point in time.

Please be gentle.

Weigh In 3/30/10 – Monday DID Come

First, the cat’s out of the bag!  I told my mom about my blog!   I know!  *gasp*  But Mr. Carmine Famiglietti mentioned it on my Facebook page (my fault for not telling him it was a secret!) and since I couldn’t bring myself to delete his comment, I figured I’d spill the beans since she’d probably see it anyway.  And I didn’t want her to find out like that.  So if y’all would give my mom a great big “Hi,” I would appreciate it!

My mom’s one of my best friends in this world, so supportive, so it shouldn’t change my writing too much.

At least now she won’t look at me like I’m nuts when I’m doing things like taking pictures of Reese’s Easter Eggs at the grocery store.  🙂

Now for the good stuff….drumroll please…..I lost:

2.7 pounds this week!!!!  Yahooo!  That means two awesome things:

  • I am back to having lost 91 pounds again! (Come on 100!)
  • I’ve lost a total of 10.8 lbs just in the last four weeks alone!

Now, I’m wondering when I’m going to start actually seeing it and feeling it….

Most (okay all) of you know that I was on a long sabbatical for a while.  I didn’t blog, I didn’t read blogs, I didn’t track my food, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was never an intentional thing.  It came on gradually.  I think I started to realize that if I cheated a bit here and there, then it didn’t really affect my weight all that much.  I got cocky.  I also started to not care as much.  I just wanted to eat.  I like eating.  I like binging.  There I said it.  I don’t like being overweight, but apparently I’ve liked eating more for most of my life.

Throughout this period of eating free-for-all, especially when I realized how quickly I was re-packing on the pounds, I kept telling myself that “this is the last day.  Tomorrow, I’m right back on it.”  And yet, tomorrow always had something new to tempt me with: more ice cream, more pizza (can I hear a collective yum?), donuts at work, an offer to go out to eat.  It was always tomorrow, and yet it was the tomorrow that never came.

My mom can attest to the fact that I constantly said, “this is the last weekend.  First thing Monday, I’m back on it.”  Well, for many months, Monday never came either.

Back when I was first fortunate enough to see the movie, “Lbs.,” which you all know I’ve been raving about, I wrote a review entitled “Monday Came” (back on 2/23/10).  At the very end of it, I said that my Monday had come.  This is what I said:

Carmine’s character, Neil, states this in the trailer: “Monday came and I started.  . . .  How many times?  It might be a thousand.  But on 1,001, I started.”

Well, today is my Monday #1,001 (give or take) and I’m starting.  I’m going to do it.

When I wrote that, I wasn’t sure if I was telling the truth or if I was just saying it to be saying it.  I had hoped that it was true, but I didn’t trust myself enough to know for sure.

Well, you know what?  My Monday DID come.  I AM doing it.  So what about you?  Has your Monday come?